The spirit is willing…..
Apologies for the silence I have been embroiled in the joys of working 16 hours a day for two weeks in the beautiful profession we call law. Anyhow I have finally come up for air and have been jolted into writing a post……
A friend of mine just shared a blog with me http://newlywednolonger.wordpress.com/2011/04/15/husbandprayer/ and it got me thinking.
I am sitting here and recalling that before my friend and I met our respective partners, we used to dwell (dream, fantasise, romanticise) a lot on the type of husband we wanted …. a re-occurring theme was the desire to have a man who was a spiritual leader, who we could look up to, who would encourage our growth in the things of God and cause us to be all the things we thought a good Christian woman should be.
I am now married and, with hindsight and in the place where I am currently, I wonder what it was that made this picture of a perfect, spiritual, strong, focused and developed Christian man so strong in our hearts…. I’m wondering if it was a desire born of God (because it is clearly not a bad desire), a desire created because we felt like we were so far (still chasing after the wrong men, still falling and getting back up only to stumble after a year of “goodness”) from what we thought we should be and if we could just find a man who wouldn’t want to sleep with us before he married us, who would encourage us to attend midweek service and preach and talk to us of all the beautiful things in the Lord (while NOT being a Pastor/Vicar/Reverend and STILL being good fun *aka secretly wild*) that maybe then we would stop running into/to all the things that didn’t edify us or was it a desire fostered by all we hear in church, words, sermons and comments that built an image in our mind that only a certain type of man would do and if he didn’t tick all the boxes (born again at least 3 years, spirit filled, a worker in the vineyard, tongue speaking, devil stomping, not afraid to lift his hands and sing at the top of his lungs during praise and worship).
I don’t know the answer… I think just maybe it was a desire born of God, created by us and fostered by the church.
Having said all of that … I am married …. and still trying to create (by force) the image of Mr Perfect in Christ “do you pray enough” “when was the last time you prayed” “what bible passage have you been meditating on” “when are we going to start family prayer time”… I cringe as I write thinking about how unproductive this all sounds.
I think I am / imagine we both (my friend and I) are learning that God does not always deliver picture perfect but part of the final joy is watching and being part of the growth…. we don’t always get what we want and we may bemoan our men … (try to) stir them in the right direction …. but one thing am learning at the moment is that I have a responsibility to nurture and encourage in love only (not a desire to change)… if things aren’t the way I want it to be … I should get on my knees and ask God to take glory and do His work as He sees fit… not force us both (my partner and I) into a place of resentfulness….. feelings of inadequacy….
I feel like the constant nagging and desperation for him to take the lead was me handing over my spiritual welfare because if he pushed me then, just maybe, growth would come….
If am honest with you and me….
I have been a bit ambivalent spiritually… I still pray “and stuff”. .. but on the hop …. whenever the mood/moment takes me….. I feel like I am in spiritual limbo
On one hand….
desperate to be closer to God, to seep myself in His word but
on the other hand….
I can’t seem to muster the energy … give the sacrifice that it takes to get there… what can I say but that the flesh is willing but the spirit is weak…
Love me xx